You know in movies, that moment when the music slows, the background noises fade out, and the camera zooms into a single focus. When the awkward teenage girl catches a glimpse of the guy? He’s surrounded by all his other jock friends, and as she is watching, everything slows, he raises a hand to his head, ruffling his already ruffled hair. Then as he lowers his arm, he turns, and catches the girl’s eye…and then something sudden happens, bringing the girl back to reality.
Well…I just had that moment, minus the slow motion.
I was at a writer’s festival today, which was being attended by high schools from all around my city. One of the schools happened to be that of an old, long-time, first crush. This guy had been someone who I had known since we had started school. We had grown up together, in the same classes, as friends of sorts and participating in many of the same activities.
I don’t own any rights to the image featured on this post.
We had been in our Year 6 production together, as parental figures, and then been Heads of the school in year 8. But as high school rolled around, he moved out of the local education circuit, to another part of town. Somewhere along the way, I had developed a HUGE crush on this guy (let’s call him ‘Giant’- he is incredibly tall). And at 11, of course, I had to share with my friends. It wasn’t long before everyone-including him -knew about it.
Of course, nothing got done about it, and he eventually moved away. However, I still harboured this insane crush on him. Fast forward to now, 4 years later, and I don’t think about him often. I’ve had a boyfriend, a couple of other crushes (and now a potential Ball date in my sights) since then. And then today rolls around.
The day started of fine, I arrived to school to have my friends teasing and trying to coax me to ask someone to the Ball (click here to read about that dilemma). We boarded the bus and eventually arrived at the venue of the festival. As we were waiting for the doors to open, a couple of my old-primary/intermediate friends rushed up to me. They excitedly told me who was here, and so more teasing, by everyone around me, ensued. Apparently, we were loud enough, because Giant heard us and happened to catch my eye [insert slow motion scene here]. Embarrassed we both looked away.
We eventually got inside and finished with the morning programmed. At lunch, I was talking to a friend when I somehow located him again. The eye exchange happened again, and I was going to go over and say hello, but I chickened out. By the start of the afternoon programme I was torn. I had old feelings bubbling up, and a battle began with these old, cherished feelings for Giant began arguing with newer feelings for potential-Ball-date-guy. I talked (texted) a friend about this and we eventually came to the conclusion that I should just talk to him,
So I did just that. But it didn’t go so well. An awkward greeting, quick exchange of “how are you’s”, an apology for the earlier attention and a rushed goodbye (to be fair we were rushing for buses) was all that we managed. Both of us looking incredibly awkward through it all.
All this has left me feeling very conflicted though. I mean, I certainly like Ball date guy, but I can’t just ignore the fact that this was the first guy that I ever crushed on. And it wasn’t just a short term crush…it literally lasted years!!
I don’t own any rights to the image featured on this post
I guess there are times in everyone’s lives when the encounter someone who had great significance to them in the past. Whether it is an ex best friend, old teacher, childhood neighbour or, a boy/girl you once crushed on, it is incredibly hard to just ignore the feelings and memories that come up along with the meeting. For me, this was the first time that I have ever encountered someone from my past who I have not met in a number of years. I have kept in touch with most people I used to know, and so to see someone like this, especially out of the blue, was very shocking.
How do you act? What do you say? These are questions that floated through my head. It can be so unnerving to meet, after a long time, someone whom you had a connection of any sort with. So if this has happened to you, or even if it hasn’t I guess the best thing to do is to go say hi. Don’t over think it like me, and don’t let the conversation be unsatisfactory. When I walked away from Giant, all I could think about was all that I had left unsaid. There were dozens of things I could have talked to him about, family I could have asked about, but my embarrassment stopped me.
So I guess what I have to learn from this experience, is to seize the moment. I had multiple opportunities to go say ‘hi’, but I left it to the last minute, when I was flustered and anxious. If I could re do it, I would. And so, I am going to walk away from today knowing that in the future, should I be in this situation again, I will swallow my fears and just do it.
-E.
The Journey towards "Adulthood" 
